I am so pissed! I got up early this morning because it was my turn to make breakfast, and what do I see when I go in the main room? Janet and Al "snuggling" under a bedspread stretched between the couch and the coffee table! They call it their "fort." I bet! And what about Tipper? She watches the show every night at home. Don't these two realize that everything they do is on national television? Hey! Get a room!
Then I go in the kitchen and guess what? Yasser and Ehud are arguing over who gets what portion of the fridge for "their stuff." And busybody Madeleine (she's such a nudge!) is there "refereeing" the whole thing. Like she's neutral. Uh-huh. And I'm like, please! We all know that she's got a thing for Ehud.
Then that geeky jerk W. kind of sidles over to me and whispers in my ear "You're my favorite." Sure, I believe that, George. NOT. He's told at least three other people that they're his "favorite." And so what if they are? I mean, what's the payoff? Being some kind of puppy person for the rest of eternity?
Then later, when I go outside, there's John pretending to be a fighter plane for the three hundredth time "flying" around the pool. Then he pretends to get hit, he sputters, and, gosh, let me guess, falls in the water? And he is always on about tiger cages and all that and that this house is a piece of cake after that. Hello… Earth to John. It's the 21st Century. We're not fighting over there in India or wherever. Get over it!
I know I'm sounding catty, but this whole thing is getting on my nerves. And I haven't even started on the whole Jesse thing. He thinks he has to "educate" everyone, make them "think." Who made him Pope of America? And the way he always sneaks up behind you and stares at the back of your neck. And why does he have to rhyme everything? Is he trying to be a Rap singer? It's so annoying. Hey, Jesse. Is it possible for you to like, talk like a regular person? Why is everything a lecture? I mean, is this school? I'm going nuts. I've got to calm down or I'm gonna lose my mind.
It's later. We had to do a house challenge. The deal was that we'd all get special goodies if we could blow up two thousand "trial" balloons and float them in the pool within a three-hour period. It turns out I'm the best at trial balloons. I don't know why, but I have the knack. I think this really bothered Rick. Rick's from New Jersey or somewhere so you know, he has that attitude? I think he's Italian. That figures. You know those people. Anyway, Rick gets it in his head to pop my balloons. Hey! This is for the good of the house, stupid! He's like, oh, were those your balloons? Gee, I'm sorry. Uh-huh. And I'm the Queen of Sheba.
Then that slut Janet decides that she wants us to "raid" the guys' room. OK. That might be fun. Maybe we can catch someone doing something they shouldn't. I like that idea. But when we burst into the room the only one in there is Tony. He's the guy who never stops crying about missing his kid. Like he's the world's first dad. Gimme a break! And he's always coming up to people who are having an argument and saying, you know there's another way to look at this, like he's the king of relationships or something. All he does is break into other people's conversations and cry about his kid. I mean, why is he here? Doesn't he know this is a competition? What a wimp. He's cute though. And I love the English accent.
Anyhow, I know who I'm going to nominate for banishment this week: Rick. And not just because he kept popping my balloons. I think he's not a team player. And he also accused me of being a hall monitor in grammar school. I mean, what has that got to do with anything? It so happens I was a hall monitor in grammar school. So…? He said, well you act like the kind of person who was a little teacher's pet. I'll bet you told on other kids. And what has that got to do with anything now? Some kids needed telling on. It was only for their own good. I never did anything that wasn't for someone's own good. I mean, it takes a school to raise a student, right? What if no one was watching and kids ran up and down the halls and all that? It would be awful because some kids wouldn't be able to and they'd feel bad. Like crippled kids couldn't. I guess they could roll up and down the halls though! Don't tell anyone I said that, OK?
What? What do you mean it's all on TV? I thought this was the Privacy Room! Oh, great. Just great. Here I tell you everything that's going on, better than anyone else, I'm sure, and you want to broadcast it to the world. Do you do this with everyone who comes in this room? Or is it just me? Is this some kind of conspiracy to wreck my chances? Since we're at it, why don't you tell me if anyone is going to try and banish me. Not that anyone would. I mean, who would want to do that to me? But still, I'd like to know.
I can hardly write this. I am so incredibly sad and very depressed. It turns out that the two people who were nominated for banishment this week were Yasser and me. ME! It means the others don't like me. I can't believe it. They said things like, you're so devious, Hillary, and you're such a snoop. And you smile when you're ready to stab someone in the back. Not true. And then Janet, who has a huge crush on Ehud, like Madeleine doesn't already have him staked out, says there's no there there. What does that mean? What does that MEAN?
Or maybe they nominated me because I'm too strong. They're all threatened by a really strong woman, aren't they? Even the other women? Of course. And the men dislike a woman who has power, and that's me. OK. They want the most likely person to win the competition out of the house. They want to remove the threat.
Well, I'm not going to let them. I'm going back in there and I'm going to make friends with every single person in this house (except that little calzone Rick, of course). I'm going to MAKE them like me. I'm going to turn this whole thing around. And I'm going to make America like me too. So when they call in on the 900 number and vote, they'll vote for Yasser. He's a drip. What's with the thing on his head, anyway? I mean, is he trying to be different? Not that I mind differentness, OK? I welcome it. I'm a very diverse and tolerant person. It takes a house to raise a something or other, I'll come up with it later. And I am not coming back into this fake "privacy" room anymore either. This whole deal is just to destroy my chances. You're all out to get me. It's sooooo obvious. So just forget it. OK?
Just forget it.